Originally posted 27 December, 1997. This is based on an actual gift I received for Christmas '97. Let this be a lesson to everyone involved in the war out there: DON'T LET YOUR FAMILY LEARN ABOUT THE WAR!!!!!
© 1997 by Scott BernierI knew I was in trouble when my stocking was handed to me. Attached to the sock in a smaller sock was a handmade bunny rabbit with a cotton ball head and body, five smaller pink cotton balls for feet and tail, and pink pipe-cleaners for ears. There was a tag attached to it:
"You HAVE to wear me for the rest of the gift giving."
Great...just great. Within the stocking gifts was a Goosebumps bookmark with what appeared to be a white devilbunny, complete with fangs on it. That didn't seem too bad. Maybe I'd luck-out this year. And that would be the only joke to fall my way. The gift giving went slow as usual. My folks like to drag things-out so that everyone can see what everyone else got as the gifts are opened. When we were down to about 8 gifts, Dad pulled a plain brown box from behind the tree.
"To Eugene...From NoCO!?!?"
Dad handed the gift to me. It had to be a joke. The address label was attached with masking tape, though the box had gone through the postal system at one time for it had PRIORITY MAIL stickers all over it. My pager-disguised cuton geometer started to vibrate on my belt. I subconsciously shut the thing-off and carefully examined the box. It had the tell-tale signs of my brother's handiwork--rubber stamp radiation symbols all over it. There was a warning label also:
WARNING: CONTAINS PROPAGANDA
AND MILITARY
CONTRABAND!!!
ALSO KAY00TNESS!!!
The last word being underlined. Now I was definitely afraid. This had to be my joke gift. Joke gifts are a Pomerleau tradition. For example, one year my father gave his brother a condom cleaner. I won't go further into this, thank you! The gifts were usually at least mildly adult-content in matter, usually tongue-in-cheek humor. I had never been the victim of this tradition, but knew that sooner or later I wouldn't escape this 'honor'. And this was the year.
I pulled-out my trusty old scoutknife and stabbed into the package to cut-away at the tape, in hopes of stabbing whatever had set-off the geometer and ripped the box open, ready for a devilbunny to leap-out. In the top of the box I found a 1998 Rabbit calendar (shudder). El'mah, no, they thought it would be funny to torment me with bunny items! This began to reek of Patricia, Chris' girlfriend with sympish tendencies, though she normally was into puppies.
Below the calendar were three Christmas shirt boxes. One had what had to be the most sickeningly cute bunny I've ever seen anywhere. The other two were creatively edited scenes of Santa and a reindeer running away in horror from a bunny: "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!". Meanwhile my folks started laughing. Below the boxes was a plushie of a doe in flower skirt and handbasket.
"What do you think of your next date, bro? You should make Major easily now!" Great, now Chris was laughing at me too.
There was a talking Bugs Bunny Mug, an Energizer Rabbit flashlight, a 'Somebunny loves you' rubber stamp, and bunny stationary in the next layer. Great, they're trying to get me court martialed. Then I spotted the books: 'How to Care for Your Pet Rabbit' and the more evil of the two, 'Bunny's Hungry' toddler's Squeeze-and-Squeak paperboard book. (shudder) Take it away! Please! I started to chug a Moxie™ to steady my fraying nerves.
Below this was a pewter rabbit keychain, Bugs Bunny playing cards (Cwazy Eights card game), a bunny picture frame and in the very bottom in its own little box was a grey and white bunny figurine labeled: 'Hoppity Hop'.
As my stomach did more and more flip-flops, my family laughed all the harder. Help me! My family is turning into symps! Maybe after I show this insidious propaganda at the next regional Fudd meeting in Dunwich, we can have a burning party....all except for the plushie. That I shall have to give to someone else as a joke. (evilgrin)
I hope your holidays were filled with better surprises then mine!
Eugene