Originally posted April 28, 1996. This one is based on an actually phone-in to WCTB, the River 93.5, Waterville, ME. I couldn't let the morning disc-jockies, "Mike and Eric", promote Spam™ without letting the listeners know the real truth. Copies of this on-air interview have been circulated amoung some writers in the USA and Great Britian. The "transcript" in this story is almost a word for word copy of the actual broadcast. Portions of the broadcast were used by the radio station to advertise the Mike and Eric Morning Show for the rest of the summer.
© 1996 by Scott Bernier, and I'm sure that Mike and Eric or at least Mountain Wireless would also claim copyright to the broadcast portion. First HTML-ized March 19, 1997.
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There was a knock at the door.
"Enter."
A new recruit entered the door and saluted. The Fudd behind the desk in the small office returned the salute.
"Have a seat, Private Bergoin. Do you have any idea why I called you in here?"
"No, Sergeant."
Sgt Pomerleau depressed a button on the tape deck in front of him. On the tape deck could be heard the two morning personalities on the local radio station, Jake and Max:
"...tonight, showers and a low near 35. Tomorrow, sunshine high in the 60's. I'm a little distracted here, cause our secretary just notified me that someone on the phone is demanding to talk to us. Let's see if he's still on the line....HI! This is Jake and Max here!"
"Hi, this is Jeff. I heard you folks were talking about Spam™ earlier."
"Yeah, man."
"You almost made me loose my breakfast, man. If you knew what was really in Spam (tm), you would not be advising your listeners to eat it."
(snicker) "Oh, come on..."
"Oh, I'm serious. It's falsely labeled on the labels...."
"Oh, yeah. Well, what's really in it then?" [Twilight Zone Theme in the background]
"Ground human."
"Ground...[pause]...no kidding!"
"Seriously, there is a conspiracy out there. There is another intelligent race that is out to subvert the humans. They're called, DEVILBUNNIES."
"You've watched that new King horror flick one too many times, haven't you?"
"I'M SERIOUS! They have their own homepage on the Internet"
"Have they contacted you, Jeff?"
[hushed tone] "I'm...I'm actually taking a big risk calling you folks, 'cause they know that I know about them and I'm trying to spread the word. If they find-out, they may come after me and turn me into Spam™ ...."
"Jeff, is that where Jimmy Hoffa's body wound-up? Encased in Spam™ ?"
"Yes, and the bunnies were behind the JFK Assassination!"
(chuckling) "No.. REALLY?"
"Yeah, and to give you an idea of what these rabbits look like. Have you ever seen Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail? The killer rabbit there is a devilbunny."
"Now is this the same killer rabbit that attacked President Carter back in '78?"
"It may have been."
"Yeah...yeah...(other discjockey) Remember that in the canoe? Now what else can you tell us about these 'devilbunnies'?" (Bugs Bunny Theme begins to play in the background) "What other secrets can you reveal, Jeff?"
"Well they control Snapple™ . The devilbunnies are the evil behind Barney and the Power Rangers."
(Much snickering and giggling in the background...)
"Are they the ones who ditched the Snapple Lady?"
"Yes, for she wasn't cute enough for them and if you have seen the latest Snapple commercial on how they are 'proud' to be number three, you can see how evil their cuteness can be....they promote recycling to an extreme...they'll bite your toes right-off and then recycle the rest of your body into Spam™ !"
"Didn't I see this on an episode of Rod Sterling's Twilight Zone some 35 years ago?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Well, listen Jeff, it's been fun. You head on back to your bed at AMHI* now."
"Yeah, I'll go grab a Moxie™ to protect myself."
"Um, Moxie™ ? A bottle of Moxie™ ?"
"Yeah, Moxie™ burns through these bunnies like acid."
"OK, Jeff, now take care, goodbye." (click)
(The two discjockeys continue)
"You know Max, Moxie™ is what my father use to use to repel rabbits when they would attack him."
"That's good to know."
"Well, it's always handy to know that when you have a spare bottle of Moxie™ around the hunting camp, and a killer rabbit does attack you, you can just fling the bottle of Moxie™ at him and the darn thing will just scamper forever."
"Silly me, and I was just going to fling a can of Spam™ which apparently attracts them."
"Well either that or it kills them....I'm not quite sure what it was Jeff said now..."
Eugene stopped on the tape deck. "Explain yourself, Private."