Postal Nightmare

Originally posted April 1996 on alt.devilbunnies. This is the bridge between The Return and Home Is Where the Heart Is (coming soon). Aldin and Sallie experience the United States Postal Service up close and personal. A collaboration with Kkatman

©1996 by Kkatman and Scott Bernier.
First HTML-ized 15 September, 1997 by Scott Bernier.

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It was dark, hot, and noisy. BAM! Something slammed into the roof of their little prison and the two squirrels where awakened. The noise of conveyor belts, and gears roared around them. How long had it been since they had been wrapped-up inside this specially designed, kevlar lined, air-hole ridden box? Specially designed so they couldn't gnaw their way out. They had no idea how long they had been in there, sleeping fitfully. Nor did they know for sure exactly where they were truly heading to. LonGears said, "Send them to Peru!" The two of them hoped the mail bun didn't take it seriously. They weren't even given any water nor food rations.

There was another loud BAM! and the ceiling of their box dipped slightly and a little light came in through some of the airholes. The larger of the two squirrels, a grey, hugged the other, a red, and wrapped his tail around her and wept.

"I was such a fool. I can never say I'm sorry enough to you, Sallie."

The red comforted the grey in her arms shushing him as he wept and talked. "They're all the same, Aldin. You did what you felt needed to be done."

Aldin looked Sallie in the eyes. "But you don't understand!" (dismayedflick-smack against box side) The package was jostled again and fell-upside down. The two squirrels tumbled to the ceiling together.

"You explained it to me. If you had refused to heal him, you would have been no better than they..."

"No not that." (sniffle) "I failed miserably. If I had only known then all of this would have truly been worth it..."

"We both knew what kind of a demon he is..."

"No, I'm not talking about what LonGears is."

Sallie looked Aldin in the eyes, "Then what are you talking about?"

"I could have killed him..."

"And too many squirrels would have paid the price."

"No, not immediately killed him. I could have rigged a time bomb of sorts into his genes. One that would have caused him to drop dead suddenly 3, 4 months down the road, maybe even a year. But I didn't." (sighflick) "I was afraid they would have caught me. I didn't realize how much the mentats at PAW were lacking in the field of genetics. I now realize I could have gotten away with it and we would have had months to prepare and warn the others before his death and the resulting revenge. I should have just risked it."

"How do you know you could have gotten away with it."

Aldin calmed-down a little. "We're still alive. I left Gearsie a little gift for April Fool's day." He explained what he had done. Despite their current predicament, Sallie fell-back on her tail gigglechittering out of control.

"You should have made it permanent!" she squeaked out between chitters.

TBC (See The Return: A Squirrel's Tale to see what Aldin did to LonGears)

In the central United State Post Office sorting facility, Chicago.

"Hey, Charlie, take a look at this one!" The worker held-up a pink box with tiny airholes in it. It had an Ohio postmark and was labeled in crayon, To: Peru. "There no zip code and no state!"

"What do you think is in it, Pete?" Charlie replied.

Pete shook the package. Two tiny, high pitched, chittergrowls emanated from within. "Sounds like chipmunks!"

Within the package, Aldin glared up through an airhole, but held his tongue. Sallie on the other hand piped-up.

A tiny high-pitched voice came from the package. "SQUIRRELS! NOT CHIPMUNKS! SQUIRRELS! GET US OUT OF HERE!"

Pete dropped the package in surprise. "Jezus! There's something live in there!" The squirrels within 'oofed' from the bruising of the three foot fall. Aldin glared at Sallie. "Be quiet," he warned in squirrel.

Charlie laughed full-bellied. "Someone's playing a prank on you, Pete!" He walks over and picks the package-up and shakes it, listening to stuff sliding within. He points to the label on it. "Looks like some kid sent this. Handle with Care. Now look what you've gone and down," (big grin) "you broke it."

Pete poked at the package, but no more sounds came from it. "Well, it'll wind-up in the undeliverable pile with that label. Too bad, it's got the right postage for domestic. I've got it! Let's send it to Peru like the package says!"

"Which one?" Charlie asked and began to tick-off on his fingers. "The country--insufficient postage, or the town in Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Nebraska, or New York?"

Pete did a double take. "We really need to get something other than zipcode books in the lounge, don't we?" He grinned. "I know just the place, my brother's the Postmaster at this one!" He scribbled something on the package and sent it on it's way down the conveyor towards another worker who in turn tossed it into a mailbag where it would lay in wait for that night's shipping truck. "He'll get a kick-out of that one, I'm sure."

Their kevlar-lined prison was jostled for the Spirit knows what time, awakening the two squirrels. All was dark buried deep within the mail bag. Then, light stabbed through the tiny airholes as the package above theirs was lifted out of the bag.

Aldin attempted to stretch within the tight confines of the box. His stomach growled. "We've got to get out of here soon," he whispered to Sallie.

Sallie simply (understoodflick)ed, thumping her tail against the side of the prison. Her throat was parched. They hadn't had anything to drink since they had been thrown into the box. How long ago was that? Two, three days?

Their package was hoisted out of the bag.

"Gawd, what a bright box!" The package was flipped over onto it's side, sending the occupants tumbling, both whom held their tongue after the last incident. "Handle with Care...General Delivery, TO: PERU, IN...No zip code and no real address. This is odd...partially in crayon and partially in what looks like my brother's hand writing. What kind of tricks is Pete up to this time?" The package shook. "Sounds like something loose in there." The package was set-down with a thunk on the counter.

Aldin peaked out a few air holes and then nodded to Sallie and they both spoke-up....

The postmaster had turned to remove the last packages in the bag when he thought he heard two rather high-pitched voices behind him.

"Excuse me, but could you kindly open this box up for a moment? We really need to use the bathroom. And we're both rather thirsty and hungry."

The postmaster dropped the box in his hands and whipped around, looking up and down to see where the intruders were. There was no one there. Just the packages.

"Over here! On the counter! Please let us out!"

The postmaster stared at the pink box. He went over to his coffee near it and sniffed it.

"You're not loosing your mind and there's nothing wrong with your coffee as far as we know. Please help us. Some bad children thought it would be funny to mimic Garfield and ship us in this box. Let us out!"

The postmaster backed away from the box and made a run for the door. "Jane! Get back here! I need help!"

"For Pete's sake, George, what's wrong?" Jane inquired as she peaked in from the front counter. Fortunately, there was no one needing assistance at the time.

George pointed to the box on the counter. "I think I've been working back here too long. That pink box was speaking to me."

Aldin was growing impatient. "Plan B, Sallie." Both squirrels backed against one wall of their prison and charged...

"A little late for April Fool's isn..." Jane stopped with her mouth ajar as the box suddenly bounced sideways a few inches.

Two high pitched voices again cried-out, "Let us out of here! Isn't it against postal regulations to ship live animals!"

Jane just stared in shock. George grabbed a nearby pushbroom and tapped the box.

"What's it going to take to get you to open this box and let us out??? Your brother in Chicago rerouted this package your way after we failed to convince him. Please let us out!" Something THUMPed the side of the box.

George handed the broom to Jane. "Be ready for anything." He pulled-out his pocket knife and slit the taped top of the box.

"Hey, careful with the knife!"

George looked to Jane, nodded and then pried back a part of the top of the box, just enough to peak in. He chuckled and motioned Jane over. "You won't believe this." She stared in and saw the two frightened-looking furballs in the back corner.

"They look so scared, George, but animals can't talk..."

"Some of us can, madame, but we don't normally chose to speak to humans, except in extreme situations," the grey lump of fur replied in a high pitched voice as it stretched-out now that the danger from the knife had passed, revealing itself to be a squirrel.

"It...it...it can talk," Jane stammered.

The grey squirrel flicked it's tail, thumping it against the side of the box. "Didn't I just say that? Now can we go?"

George stared at Jane. "You know the postal regulations. We can't let them loose...no rodents are to be found within a US Postal Facility..."

"Oh, for Pete's sake, George, their a couple of squirrels. They look so cute (Sallie squirmed at being called cute) and they're scared." She picked-up the box and carried it out the back door. "We can worry about the consequences later." She opened it up and set it down. "Go on, you're free."

Sallie took-off for the nearest tree. Aldin looked to the human and nodded in thanks before following Sallie.

Contents copyright by the authors behind Sallie and Aldin
Violators will be pelted to death with walnuts and the remains divided
amoung devilbunny mentats, Fudd Scientists, and the War of Four for
experimentation!

To be continued in Home is Where the Heart Is