The Bangor BlueOx Ballgame

Originally posted June 13 - July 13, 1996. Written as a result of a potential new writer who delurked with a bunny character in Orono, ME. Said writer Ran Like The Wind™ soon afterwards. This story was an attempt to lure him back at first, but he/she wasn't interested. A portion of this story, The Legend of Paul Bunyan, appears under the Lumberjack's Homepage. © 1996 by Scott Bernier. First HTML-ized March 19, 1997

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*****TIGHTBEAM TO SGT POMERLEAU*****
*****BUNNYSTUMPER DELUXE™ ACTIVATED*****

Sir! (salute)

This is Corporal 1st Class Zukowski. My company has found were the devilbunny that sent out that broadcast last week may have been holding up, but there is no signs of it at present. We entered Room 102 of Cumberland Hall on the University Campus. It wasn't a pretty sight for some of the ROTC members.

The bun definitely was here, or a symp was. We found transmission equipment, but none of it is operational and the hard drive is toast. Cuteness Imagers™ show residuals of cuteness, some of it emanating from the sickly pink walls. Empty Snapple™ bottles and Spam™ cans litter the floor. Upon the walls are Barney, Silver Moon, Power Rangers and Care Bear posters. There are also baseball pennants. Yes, you heard me right sir, baseball pennants from the new NorthEastern Minor League. The most prominent being one for the new Bangor Blue Ox which play at Orono's Mahaney Diamond. At least we now know where to look for the fluffers.

I suspect a possible trap so I will not bring the ROTC into a ball game there. I'm requesting back-up from whatever forces you can spare.

Corporal 1st Class Zeek Zukowski, Maine Fudd Volunteers, Orono Outpost.

*****End Tightbeam and Encryption*****

Sgt Pomerleau read through the tightbeam with some disgust....and then replied.

*****BUNNYSTUMPER DELUXE™ TIGHTBEAM*****

Understood, Cprl. You are correct to suspect a trap. I am sure you have heard of the tales of the legendary Lumberjack Fudd, Paul Bunyan. He didn't meet up with any Blue Ox in real life. That was just the buns trying to discredit his feats against them. I am sending 20 Lumberjack Fudds your way under the command of Cprl 2nd class Jacque Lemieux to "attend a baseball game" with you.

Good hunting, Coporal.

SGT Eugene "Moxie Man" Pomerleau
*****END TIGHTBEAM AND ENCRYPTION*****

"CorPORal ZuKOWski? CorPORal Jacque Lemieux, Maine LumBERjack Fudds." The burly logger shook hands with Zukowski and then introduced the other Lumberjack Fudds.

"What EESE this about a BLue oX?" Lemieux finally asked.

"Not a blue ox, the Blue Ox. Bangor's new minor league baseball team and SGT Pomerleau suspects bunny involvement." Zukowski showed Lemieux a Blue Ox promotional poster.

Jacque mumbled something in Cannuck French. "This EESE an INsult. To asSOCiate Paul BunYAN with a BLue oX in Maine!" There were many "Here, here's" throughout the crowd. Lemieux cut them off.

"But I though Babe was always a part of the legend."

Jacque Lemieux gave Zukowski the evil eye. "You don't know wHAT you TaLk abOUT. Let me gIVE Her, a Guess: You thought Paul," the Lumberjacks all took their hats off, "BunYAN was bORn in Maine and MoVEd westWArd, mEEting up with a giant oX who had neARly froze to dEAth to the point that the oX, HE remAINed blue for the rest of HIs liFE."

"The two of Them, THEY went on to perFORm many feats tO aid iN the setTLEment of this lAnd...from cleARcutTING the DaKOTas to plOWing-out Puget Sound in the nORthweST. They say that HE dug the Great Lakes in orDer to waTer HIs oX, Babe. They say that the 10,000 LAkes of MinNESota are really his footPRints, etc. Oui?"

"Well, yes."

Jacque got into Zeek's face. "ThOSe are aLL bunNY liES. The real Paul BunYAN nEVer left Maine. How long do wE have beFORe that 'GAme' stARts?"

"Four hours."

"Bon, I hAVe time to seT the reCORd straight on Paul BunYAN. ThIS EESE what rEALly hapPENed to the great LumBERjack Fudd, Paul BunYAN..."

Corporal Jacque Lemieux told his tale....

Paul Bunyan was born in a small fishing village on the Maine coast about a decade before the Civil War. By age ten he stood 6' 4" and worked on repairing the village fishing fleet. By eighteen it is said he stood 9' 10" and could lift boats out of the water by himself. Many in his village feared him and tried to persuade his family to send him away. They agreed but reluctantly, and convinced Paul to move into the wilderness and become a lumberjack.

The town blacksmith forged a special double bit wood axe for him as a farewell gift from his village. The axe head was 2 feet in length, razor sharp, and weighed nearly 100 lbs. The axe head was attached to a heft of rock oak six inches in diameter and seven feet in length. Paul hoisted the axe with ease and tested it out by clearing 40 acres that very day for the town before moving northward. I could leave it at that and let the legends, though most of them are lies, tell you the rest. But today I will not speak of lies. It is true that Paul was a great woodsman, probably the best there ever was. That is until he learned of the devilbunnies.

For you see, the devilbunnies did not like Paul clearcutting 'their' woodlands and one day they came out and protested for these bunnies feared fighting such a giant and had hoped to persuade him to go elsewhere. Paul ignored them, afterall, bunnies can't talk. The devilbunnies attacked scratching at him and attempting to bite through his thick boots to the huge toes within. This upset Paul very much and so he crushed the bunnies underfoot, with his bare hands and diced a few of them with his axe before the survivors turned tail and ran.

Paul took the dead buns back to camp for the cook to prepare with dinner. You see, back then, devilbunnies were supposedly still edible. Paul and his fellow lumberjacks feasted greatly that evening and all agreed that more rabbits should be served at dinner. This was Paul's fatal error. Though many devilbunnies died to the axes of the early lumberjacks, who did not use the term Fudd at that time obviously, many survived and ran away and got word to others.

Several years passed, then one day in early October three lumberjacks did not return to camp for dinner. A search party was sent out. They found the mutilated bodies of those lumberjacks, with all their toes missing. There were several dead bunnies around them and pawprints of many more.

Lumberjacks from other logging camps were called in. One hundred strong, they were led by Paul Bunyan to hunt down the bunnies who killed their comrades.

They confronted a horde of the fluffy demons on the banks of the West Branch of the Penobscot River. The buns stood there facing Paul and the other lumberjacks and just grinned, fluffing at the lumberjacks. Over the knoll came the largest bunny anyone had ever seen. No one knows where this bunny came from. If you believe the stories from some of the bunnies who were later captured and questioned before being executed, this huge bun was sent by Frith or Inle to lead the buns to victory against the lumberjacks. Many a lumberjack who witnessed that bun that day said it was a demon from the pits of Hell. This bun stood 6 feet in height when crouched back on its hindpaws. It's teeth and claws were 8 inches in length. It's hide was black as midnight and it had blood red eyes.

It stomped the ground with a hind paw that caused the trees to quake and knocked several lumberjacks off their feet. Paul charged the bun screaming and the two battled each other for 30 minutes, deflecting blows off each other that sounded like thunderclaps and could be heard all the way down to Bangor and as far north as Quebec City. The ground shook every time one of them fell. The rest of the lumberjacks and the bunnies stood back and watched the two giants fight.

The giant bun slipped through Paul's defenses and landed on his chest and prepared to give the killing blow. In desperation, Paul grabbed onto the bun's neck and tried choking it. The bun slashed out trying to loosen Paul's vice-like grip, but Paul held on.

The bun finally spoke, "Fool, even if you do defeat me, you and your kind shall never be able to eat those I serve ever again. For when they bathe in my blood, their flesh and the flesh of their offspring shall become rancid and inedible to your kind."

It laughed hideously as it slashed again at Paul's throat before it's head *POP*ped. Dark red blood poured forth from the dead bun's head and body and spilled into the mighty Penobscot River, turning it red. The bunnies in their panic over loosing their champion fled, swimming across the Penobscot and many drowned in the white waters turned red. The survivors never again launched a major attack against the lumberjacks. But, since that day, no one has been able to eat devilbunny meat.

As for the mighty Paul Bunyan, it took a dozen men three days to carry him back to the nearest logging camp. He died about a week later from the wounds he had received in battle and of fever. Some say he had begun to grow fur and whiskers in the final days before his death. Upon that day, all lumberjacks in the Maine Wilderness and all Maine lumberjacks since then vowed to hunt devilbunnies where ever they are found.

At the end of his tale, Jacque bowed his head in a moment of silence and the other Lumberjack Fudds did likewise.

The Lumberjack Fudd accent has been removed for ease of reading.

There were a few boo's and jeers as Cprl Zukowski sat down with Cprl Jacque Lemieux and the Lumberjack Fudds sat down for the double-header between the Bangor Blue Ox and the Adirondack Lumberjacks.

"Go home clearcutters!"

"The Ox are going to maul your whimpy axe handlers!"

Several of the Fudds glared at the Ox fans, but Jacque stood-up to give the retort.

"We Ah heRE to cheER our tEAm on, but if you want it ZAt way, we sHAll be serVIN' Ox-bURGers at the enD of ZEe GAme." Jacque waved his "fake" ax for emphasis and sat back down. The taunts quieted down after that.

One of the Fudds next to him whispered in his ear, "It was a GOod idea to coVEr our aXEs with FOam, no."

"Oui," Jacque replied, "Has ZEe 'pAGEr' gone oFF yeT, Beaudoin?"

"Of coURse." Beaudoin held-up a pager-like box that was vibrating in his hand. "I hAVe iT SEt in sILEnt moDe."

"Take Belanger and Thibodeau with You, cHECk your 'pAGe' and get sOMe 'POPcorn' on your WAy bACk."

Beaudoin got up and left with two of the other Lumberjack Fudds.

When there was no one near them, Belanger whispered, "WhAT EEse up?"

"My 'pAGEr' is goINg oFF," Beaudoin replied patting the little Cutness Imager™ poking out of his shirt pocket. "Lemieux wants us to cHECk aroUNd the conCESsiON stANd, cALl-In and reTUrn."

The three of them walked about 'looking' for a phone. The pager vibrated more violently the closer they got to either the locker rooms near the dugout or the concession stand, which happened to feature Snapple™ and Froze Toes™ ice cream 'treats'. The three Fudds looked to one another and made their way casually to the 'just spotted' pay phone. Beaudoin dialed a number and 'listened' to his recorded message. He then dialed a second number. The line rang and then someone picked it up.

"Hello?"

"We hAVe a GeoRGia-PaCIfIc sitUAtiON here. Will cALl agaIN oNCe things EEse bACk in Great NoRTHern's hANds." Beaudoin said and hung up. He turned to his fellow Fudds. "Let's get bACk to Lemieux."

"Not so fast. Let's see those ticket stubs," said a new voice. The three Fudds turned to see a group of security guards standing between them and the ramp to the bleachers.

The phone rang. Eugene placed it on the intercomm and started the recorder and answered.

The line went dead. Eugene sat there in puzzlement for a moment. He called in Major Blake and SGT Bergoin of the Lumberjack Fudds. He replayed the message for them.

"Could you translate that message for us, Sergeant?" Eugene asked Bergoin.

"But oF coURse. It EEse eASy. Great NoRTHern was conTROllEd by us LuMBerJAcks beFOre GeoRGia-PaCIfIc's hoSTIle taKe-oVEr of ZEe coMPany back in '89. GeoRGia-PaCIfIc simply waNTed GN's lands and EEse a knOWn bunNY-bACKed coMPany. The messAGe siMPly states there EEse deVilbunNY actIVitY, possible large actIVitY, where ZeEe callER EEse and ZAt it won't be safe to make coNTact agaiN unTil ZEe bunNY tHReat EEse dealt with."

"So is there anything we can do at this time?"

"No, aLL you caN do EEse sit bACk and wait. But don't worRY, LuMBerJAcks have been deaLINg with bunNiEEs for oVEr 100 yEArs."

The three Fudds produced their ticket-stubs and the head security guard looked them over and then tore them-up.

"Just as I thought, scalped tickets. I'm afraid you will have to leave." He grinned evilly. "Escort them!" he barked to his lackies.

"Now jUSt a mINuTe, we bougHT those tiCKets from the tiCKet booth..." they were dragged off out of the Security Captain's range before he could hear the whole protest. He picked-up his hand-held radio.

*****BUNIX TWO-WAY TIGHTBEAM*****

"HQ, this is Captain Sawtelle, we've got three live ones coming your way, will check the crowd for others."

"Understood, (fluff), good job, Captain."
*****END TIGHTBEAM*****

"...So thEEse EEse how you treAT fans of ZEe oTHer teAMs, no woNDer... OOFFF!" The Lumberjack Fudds were shoved forward. "Hey, thEEse EEsn't the main gATe. ThEEse, sHE looks mORe lIKe ZEe LoCkER ROom."

One of the goons who had escorted them grinned. "You got that right, Fudd."

Belanger, reacted first to movement out of the corner of his eye, whipping his 'foam' axe around to cleave a bunny in two. Thibodeau and Beaudoin did likewise before the 'security' goons jumped into the fray and then the fur really began to fly.

Beaudoin cleaved a second bunny only to get pinned by one of the symps. Before either of his comrades could aid him, a bunny ripped his throat-out. This only made the two remaining Lumberjack Fudds that much more angry. One of the security symps sprouted red gore from the top of his head as he went down under Thibodeau's axe. A second retreated to the far corner of the locker room as Belanger left him an 8 inch gouge in the symp's left arm. The six remaining buns and one uninjured symp regrouped.

(STOMP!) "Why didn't you disarm them!" one of the buns yelled at the symp.

"I thought they were..."

"'CauSE syMPs are stUPid, jUSt liKe bunNIEs!" Belanger yelled as he sent Beaudoin's axe flying across the room, splaying one of the buns neatly in half. Belanger and Thibodeau then made a break for the door with the remaining buns in pursuit.

All but one bun that is, who executed the two remaining symps for their failure before it too turned in pursuit.

As this last bun slid into the corridor, he found the remains of two of his buns in the corridor. One had been *POP*ped. He (STOMP!)ed in anger and yelled into his radio.

*****BUNIX ENCRYPTION*****

Sawtelle! What kind of idiots do you have working for you! (STOMP!) The Fudds are loose. Find them. I don't care if you capture them or kill them. (Momentary pause) And you know what price you will pay if you fail me.

*****END BUNIX ENCRYPTION*****

The bun then switched frequencies and called back his remaining buns. He couldn't afford having any civilians spotting them.

Sawtelle cringed at the reprimand from his superior and shivered at the consequences if he failed this day. (What do you really think was in those hot dogs at ballparks and coliseums across this nation? Did you really think they were made with beef, pork, and/or chicken by-products? This creates a whole new perspective for Ballpark Treats™, doesn't it!?)

With four 'security guards' dead, Sawtelle was left with only 3 symps at his disposal. Fortunately, it was a small ballpark with only one gate. Unfortunately, there were about two thousand fans in the stands, so they couldn't have much of an open confrontation. Sawtelle made his decision and headed for the main gate, radioing in for the other 'guards' to join him.

After killing-off two of their pursuers and since the other buns suddenly retreated, Belanger and Thibodeau made their way easily back to the grandstand.

Cprl Lemieux didn't like the looks on their faces and knew that Beaudoin was dead before he asked.

"WhERe EESe mY *POP*coRn?"

"They EESe sOLd oUT. BeaUDOin lEFt in disGUst. At lEAst two GeORgIa PaCIFic ScABs and foUr othERs folLOwed him."

Lemieux shook his head. "I thINk it EESe time to fINd ZEe mEN's roOM."

All the Fudds agreed it was time to answer nature's call and got-up to leave in groups of two with Belanger and Thibodeau leading the way.

Near the bottom of the ramp down from the grandstand, Belanger and Thibodeau stopped and made a hand motion back-up the ramp. There were four 'security' guards at the gate. The guards spotted the two Fudds and Captain Sawtelle smiled but made no attempt to approach the Fudds.

Belanger and Thibodeau retreated back up the ramp.

"ThERe aRE fOUr sCAbs down thERe, one of tHEm, hE SAw and recOGNiZEd us."

"Then wE shALl have to pUSh thROUgh them, nO?"

Belanger and Thibodeau turned again and proceeded down the ramp. That's when the noticed that the concession area under the grandstand was deserted.

"Don't look so surprised, Fudds," Sawtelle called-out to the two. "We wouldn't want anyone who doesn't know about the war to get in the way, now would..." He gurgled and fell to the ground face forward, a bunny on his back. The three other symps backed-up. From out of the shadows came many a bun.

The bun in charge chuckled and turned to the remaining symps as he hopped off of Sawtelle. "Clean that mess up!" (STOMP!) He then turned to the Fudds. "Who's in charge?" (deviousfluff)

"I AM!," Lemieux pushed forward, "Cprl JaCQue LemIEUx of ZEe LumBERjaCK FUDds!" About 10 other Lumberjack Fudds followed him down the ramp with their double bit wood axes at the ready.

The bun in charge casually rubbed one of his claws against his chest fur. He (sighfluff)ed as he examined the Fudds before him from a distance.

"We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Now then, the hard way is to watch as you and your men are slaughtered by my superior numbers." (cackle) "Or, you can choose one of your own as a champion to pit against our champion. If you loose you become my prisioners. If you win, I'll let you go." The bun still hadn't given his name, however, he obviously was a buck.

"What? ThEESe EEZe an insULt!" Lemieux protested. The bun began to signal the others in the shadows. Belanger stepped forward.

"Let ME do thEESe, JaCQUe! They kiLLEd BeauDOIn, alLOw mE to avENGe his deATh."

"NON! If anYOne EEZe to rISk our freEDom, it shALl bE mE." Jacque Lemieux stepped forward. "BrinG-On your chaMPOin."

The bun in charge grinned evilly and motioned to a shadow to his left with his left ear. A giant, grizzled midnight black bunny, four feet in length, leaped forward and (STOMP!)ed the ground loud enough to be heard over the cheers of the baseball fans above them. Several of the Fudds gasped.

"Fudd, meet Blackcoat," the bun in charge stated. "Blackcoat, eat the Fudd!"

Blackcoat stared at Jacque with his red eyes, snarled, and leaped.

Lemieux rolled to his left and slashed upward as the huge black bun sailed overhead. Lemieux missed. The bun landed and the other Fudds leaped back, giving the two combatants plenty of room. Blackcoat didn't utter a word. He just snarled and circled around his opponent.

Meanwhile the unnamed bun in charge talked on. "I met Blackcoat here soon after we established our base. He claims to be a direct descendant of the very bun who killed your 'great' Paul Bunyon." The bun cackled.

Blackcoat made his move and Jacque countered. Back and forth the two went for fifteen minutes. Both seemed equally wounded. Cprl Zukowski had to restrain a few of the other Fudds pointing out that if they interfered, then all the other buns would attack.

Jacque finally got a lucky blow, lopping-off the tip of the giant bun's left rear paw. "HoW'Z'It feEL to loOSe your toES for a chANGe, bunNY?" he taunted Blackcoat who yelped in pain.

Blackcoat (glarefluffed) back, (STOMP!)ed with his good foot and leaped at Jacque, knocking him on his back. Jacque's axe went flying into the bunny crowd, and a cry of bunny pain was heard from that direction. Jacque attempted to reach around the bun's throat with one hand, but it was to wide for him to grip.

"And so it ends, Fudd," Blackcoat spoke deeply for the first time.

"GuESs agAIN, bunNY," Jacque Lemieux replied as he pulled a small squirtgun out of his picket with his free hand and sprayed the bun in the face. Blackcoat screamed in agony as Blessed Vanilla soaked his muzzle and he rolled off Lemieux.

Jacque rolled to his feet and looked about for his wood axe, but it was deep in the bunny crowd. Not much choice there. He turned to see Blackcoat, recovering, leap at him again. This time the bun had leaped low and Jacque jumped up and landed on the bun's back, grabbing onto its ears.

Blackcoat leapt about wildly, trying to knock the Fudd off, but Jacque held on, inching his hands down toward's the bun's neck. Both bun and Fudd were tiring. Blackcoat leaped upward and just missed an overhead support, hoping to clothesline the Fudd off him. He tumbled as he landed, but the Fudd held on, though he screamed-out in pain as several bones crunched noisily.

Somehow Jacque had managed to hold onto the bun, now with both hands firmly around Blackcoat's meaty neck and Jacque began to squeeze hard until a loud *POP* echoed under the grand stand as Blackcoat's head flew to the feet of the bun in charge. Jacque groaned and rolled-over. Both his legs pointed in unnatural directions and he collapsed.

Two of the other Fudds charged forward to examine their leader. Most of the buns backed away to one side, near the gate.

The bun in charge (STOMP!)ed in anger. "Impossible!"

Belanger glared back at him hoisting his axe up. "ARe you goINg bACk on your wORd, flufFEr?"

(STOMP!) "I have more honor than that! You may go, but tell that Traitorbun Blake that Bangor belongs to the devilbunnies"

Two Fudds secured Cprl Lemieux's legs, placed him in a stretcher and carried him out of the stadium. The others followed suit, all watching the fluffers carefully as they left.

Nine days later at Maine Fudd Vol. HQ

Major Blake hung-up the phone. On the other line was the a doctor at the hospital. Cprl Jacque Lemieux was dead. He had suffered internal injuries in his battle with the huge, black devilbunny and it was suprising he had lived this long before succumbing to his injuries.

Eugene Pomerleau knew what the news on the phone had been without asking. "So what do we do now about Bangor?"

"For now, absolutely nothing, Gene. We haven't the manpower to hold the entire state. All we can do is hold whatever we can."

FINIS (for now)

The Bun-in-charge in this story would eventually become my Browny CrimsonPaw. At the time of this story, I couldn't come-up with a name for him.