Research contract assigned to Namakata Research Laboratories from Central Command, April, 1983.
Background:
It is known that we shall someday prevail over the human resistance group, known as the Fudds. But what are we going to do with the surviving humans? Currently, after their ten toes are properly harvested, there is little more that can be done with them other than to Spam™ the remains. This is wasteful since humans are slow to reproduce. But what if we could get more than 10 toes from a human? What if we could harvest toes from the same human every week or every other week?
Goal:
That is where Operation Unlimited Toes comes into play. Our goal is to alter the human DNA such that their toes and only their toes can regenerate after proper harvesting. This will not be an easy task as it would be easier to get the human's entire body to regenerate, but who wants a bunch of super-humans? So we shall perform this research in a series of steps or stages:
Stage One: DNA alteration of squirrels. Several squirrels at Namakata Labs will volunteer to be experimented upon and have their DNA altered until the desired change is accomplished and the squirrels can regenerate wounds, perhaps through speeding-up their metabolism.
Stage Two: Once Stage One has been successfully completed and has been proven to be safe, the experiment is to be repeated on devilbunny volunteers, preferably regularbunnies.
Stage Three: Once Stage Two is successful, it is to be repeated on a larger scale, eventually encompassing the entire devilbunny militia. With this now nearly unstoppable army, the Fudd rebellion will be put down quickly.
Stage Four: Not to be conducted until victory over the humans is achieved, this stage will be the same as the previous stage but performed upon a select group of humans. Once the experiment is complete, these test subjects are to be tortured to see how much their regenerative powers can hold-out without food. NO TEST SUBJECTS IN THIS STAGE ARE TO BE ALLOWED TO LIVE OR BE FREED! Eventually the aim of these experiments is to narrow down the portion of the body that can heal rapidly. Eventually narrowing this down to the toes.
Stage Five: Once Stage Four is complete, massive DNA alteration on human stock would occur so that these slaves can supply a virtually unlimited supply of toes.
Eventually, we will be able to alter the human DNA structure further so they will seek-out their fluffy masters as ripe toes are ready for harvest. Perhaps the nerves in the toes will be reprogrammed to register pleasure instead of pain when a toe is nibbled. However, that's far down the road and will be the subject of a future research grant request.
Addendum: 3 February, 1999
I was very (hesitantflick) to make this available to all Fudds to view at first, for it shows how little regard I had for humans back in the days when I served the Fluffy Cause™. (howeverflick) I have decided it is best for the anti-devilbunny movement that all see what research we at Namakata had been up to back when it was a devilbunny research facility. I have performed Stages 1 and 2 successfully in the past. I now know with confidence I could probably regenerate toes with a little extra work, but will not pursue this research to that end unless there are Fudds out there who want to regenerate toes lost in battle.
(shudderflick) At the same time I look back and realize how easy it would have been for the devilbunnies to win back then. All they would have needed was a competent commander willing to let us complete our work undisturbed. If that had happened, most of my current friends and allies would be livestock today. }:(
Aldin Busheytail
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Contents ©1996-2002 by Scott Bernier for Aldin Busheytail
First written in early 1996. Updated 22 February, 2002--corrected some typos.