Author's Comments: The following piece appeared in a creative writing magazine at Plymouth State College in Plymouth, New Hampshire back in 1989. It was originally written as a high school assignment back in 1988. I'm tempted to write an update to this dealing with Internet Spam. (chuckle)
First html-ized 4 July 1997. Copyright 1988, 2002 by Scott Bernier
Everyone gets junk mail. You know, advertisements for a magazine you could never use (TV Guide in Braille), sweepstakes winner notification in the Swisher Clearinghouse Sweepstakes (just send us a check for $349.38 to claim your 'prize'), and free samples of products no one uses (Tupperware Heavy Duty Plastic Frying Pan). Yes, now you remember, and like you, I hate this garbage too.
Did you know how these companies get your address? There are many ways. One is to buy it from the college you attained/have attended in the past. But there is an easier (if not cheaper) way. They buy millions of addresses from survey form companies. You have seen these surveys before. They normally appear in your way, mixed in with the sports or funnies section of your Sunday newspaper, forcing you to notice them. Usually, they get chucked, but sometimes you'll be caught by the bid headline, "FREE PRODUCTS". You can't resist and fill-out the simple (498 question) survey. In a month, you get buried up to your neck in useless junk mail.
I tripped across one of these survey forms one day and decided to have some fun. I thought maybe I could burn out their computers if I filled out an impossible combination and then place a fake name on the form.
It took me three hours to fill out that "simple" form. The "completed" form stated that the fillee was an 84-year-old heavy smoking (two cartons--400 cigarettes--a day), hard drinking (3 bottles each of "Old Duke" wine and gin mixed daily), tampon-using (extra heavy duty) woman. Her household of seven used 20 different brands of cereal, drank 300 cans of soft drink (RC and Diet Moxie) a week, but used only two types of dog food. Hobbies of this household included: Belly-button lint collecting, pinball machine demolition, and turning right in left-turn-only lanes in heavy traffic. I, of course, left the social security number and signature blank. I sent it in and chuckled to myself at the thought of what this would do to their computers. I did not chuckle for long.
About a month later, I received a membership card from the American Association of Retired Persons for a Mrs. Taffy Woofgate. I thought, OH SHIT!, for it dawned on me that I had placed my own address on that darn form! Soon I was over my head in mail for Mrs. Taffy Woofgate. Some of the crap was: Insurance forms, free samples of the new reusable tampon, and hundreds of coupons for products from Diet Moxie to "Old Duke" keg (quarter barrel) size. All this was caused by that blasted survey form.
I shouldn't be so angry though, for I have received no bills for Mrs. Woofgate (no checks either), but I am worried....still....You see, this name is appearing in everyone's computer. Soon it will reach the Internal Revenue Service and they will come to my door asking about Mrs. Taffy Woofgate and the 70-some-odd years in back taxes she "owes". How will I explain to them that my dog, Taffy, died some four years ago?
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