"CorPORal Jacque Lemieux, Maine LumBERjack Fudds." The burly logger shakes hands with you and then introduces you to the other Lumberjack Fudds in the yard.
"What EESE this about a BLue oX?" Lemieux finally asked.
"Not a blue ox, the Blue Ox. Bangor's new minor league baseball team and SGT Pomerleau suspects bunny involvement." you show Lemieux a Blue Ox promotional poster.
Jacque mumbles something in Cannuck French. "ThEESE EESE an INsult. To asSOCiate Paul BunYAN with a BLue oX in Maine!" There were many "Here, here's" throughout the crowd. Lemieux cut them off.
"But I thought Babe was always a part of the legend," you stammer.
Jacque Lemieux gives you the evil eye. "You don't know wHAT you TaLk abOUT. Let me gIVE Her, a Guess: You thought Paul," the Lumberjacks all took their hats off, "BunYAN was bORn in Maine and MoVEd westWArd, mEEting up with a giant oX who had neARly froze to dEAth to the point that the oX, HE remAINed blue for the rest of HIs liFE. No?"
You nod your head.
"The two of Them, THEY went on to perFORm many feats tO aid iN the setTLEment of this lAnd...from cleARcutTING the DaKOTas to plOWing-out Puget Sound in the nORthweST. They say that HE dug the Great Lakes in orDer to waTer HIs oX, Babe. They say that the 10,000 LAkes of MinNESota are really his footPRints, etc. Oui?"
"Well, yes," you reply.
Jacque immediately looks you in the eyes. "ThOSe are aLL bunNY liES. The real Paul BunYAN nEVer left Maine. CaRe to kNow whAt REalLy HapPEned?"
You nod again.
"Bon, foR I hAVe to seT the reCORd straight on Paul BunYAN. ThIS EESE what rEALly hapPENed to the great LumBERjack Fudd, Paul BunYAN..."
Corporal Jacque Lemieux told his tale....(Lumberjack accent removed for ease of reading)
Paul Bunyan was born in a small fishing village on the Maine coast about a decade before the Civil War. By age ten he stood 6' 4" and worked on repairing the village fishing fleet. By eighteen it is said he stood 9' 10" and could lift boats out of the water by himself. Many in his village feared him and tried to persuade his family to send him away. They agreed but reluctantly, and convinced Paul to move into the wilderness and become a lumberjack.
The town blacksmith forged a special double bit wood axe for him as a farewell gift from his village. The axe head was 2 feet in length, razor sharp, and weighed nearly 100 lbs. The axe head was attached to a heft of rock oak six inches in diameter and seven feet in length. Paul hoisted the axe with ease and tested it out by clearing 40 acres that very day for the town before moving northward. I could leave it at that and let the legends, though most of them are lies, tell you the rest. But today I will not speak of lies. It is true that Paul was a great woodsman, probably the best there ever was. That is until he learned of the devilbunnies.
For you see, the devilbunnies did not like Paul clearcutting 'their' woodlands and one day they came out and protested for these bunnies feared fighting such a giant and had hoped to persuade him to go elsewhere. Paul ignored them, after all, bunnies can't talk. The devilbunnies attacked, scratching at him and attempting to bite through his thick boots to the huge toes within. This upset Paul very much and so he crushed the bunnies underfoot, with his bare hands and diced a few of them with his axe before the survivors turned tail and ran.
Paul took the dead buns back to camp for the cook to prepare with dinner. You see, back then, devilbunnies were supposedly still edible, not to mention that Paul at that time didn't know that these bunnies were different from normal rabbits. Paul and his fellow lumberjacks feasted greatly that evening and all agreed that more rabbits should be served at dinner. This was Paul's fatal error. Though many devilbunnies died to the axes of the early lumberjacks, who did not use the term Fudd at that time obviously, many survived and ran away and got word to other devilbunnies.
Several years passed, then one day in early October three lumberjacks did not return to camp for dinner. A search party was sent out. They found the mutilated bodies of those lumberjacks, with all their toes missing. There were several dead bunnies around them and paw prints of many more.
Lumberjacks from other logging camps were called in. One hundred strong, they were led by Paul Bunyan to hunt down the bunnies who killed their comrades. They confronted a horde of the fluffy demons on the banks of the West Branch of the Penobscot River. The buns stood there facing Paul and the other lumberjacks and just grinned, fluffing at the lumberjacks.
Over the knoll came the largest bunny anyone had ever seen. No one knows where this bunny came from. If you believe the stories from some of the bunnies who were later captured and questioned before being executed, this huge bun was sent by Frith or Inle to lead the buns to victory against the lumberjacks. Many a lumberjack who witnessed this bun that day said it was a demon from the pits of Hell. This bun stood 6 feet in height when crouched back on its hindpaws. It's teeth and claws were 8 inches in length. It's hide was black as midnight and it had blood red eyes.
It stomped the ground with a hind paw that caused the trees to quake and knocked several lumberjacks off their feet. Paul charged the bun screaming and the two battled each other, deflecting blows off each other that sounded like thunderclaps and could be heard all the way down to Bangor and as far north as Quebec City. The ground shook every time one of them fell. The rest of the lumberjacks and the bunnies stood back and watched the two giants fight.
Thirty minutes into the fight, the giant bun slipped through Paul's defenses and landed on his chest and prepared to give the killing blow. In desperation, Paul grabbed onto the bun's neck and tried choking it. The bun slashed out trying to loosen Paul's vice-like grip, but Paul held on.
The bun finally spoke in a deep, sinister voice. "Fool, even if you do defeat me, you and your kind shall never be able to eat those I serve ever again. For when they bathe in my blood, their flesh and the flesh of their offspring shall become rancid and inedible to your kind."
It laughed hideously as it slashed again at Paul's throat before it's head *POP*ped. Dark red blood poured forth from the dead bun's head and body and spilled into the mighty Penobscot River, turning it red. The bunnies in their panic over losing their champion fled, swimming across the Penobscot and many drowned in the white waters turned red. The survivors never again launched a major attack against the lumberjacks. But, since that day, no one has been able to eat devilbunny meat.
As for the mighty Paul Bunyan, it took a dozen men three days to carry him back to the nearest logging camp. He died about a week later from the wounds he had received in battle and of fever. Some say he had begun to grow fur and whiskers in the final days before his death. Upon that day, all lumberjacks in the Maine wilderness and all Maine lumberjacks since then vowed to hunt devilbunnies where ever they are found.
At the end of his tale, Jacque bowed his head in a moment of silence and the other Lumberjack Fudds do likewise.
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Slightly altered from that as originally posted on 13 June, 1996 on alt.devilbunnies (see The Blue Ox Baseball Game for original version.)
Original HTMLized on 5 December, 1996
Last updated 22 February, 2002--corrected minor typos.
Both versions ©1996-2002 by Scott Bernier.
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