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Just when you thought it was safe to tune in the radio, watch MTV or shop your favorite record store, he's back. And despite hours of cosmetic surgery, still not beautiful. Yeup, Mister "Bad" himself returns after a hiatus of several years desperately trying try to rekindle the flame that was once known as "Thriller ". It turns out that he's just blowin' smoke. The fire never happens. To give MJ an unbiased chance I drove 60 miles to a small cabin, lit a stove, a kerosene lamp and slapped, Dangerous, into the portable. What a mistake. I should've stayed home. But I digress, so here goes. The opener, "Jam," begins with the sound of breaking glass. A sound effect that pops up at just the right moment throughout the song Does this boy have a windshield fetish or what? Guess it's s'posed to be a "Bad" for the '90s but it falls painfully short. MJ promises that he's COOL, he can jam, but we should leave him alone 'cause we don't understand. To prove that point,"Why you wanna trip on me?" opens with a screaming guitar riff that collapses into the same mechanical rhythms and breathless vocal style that comprise the bulk of the album. And still he whines. Guess we pick on him too much. The ballad "In the closet" follows. Oops, my mistake. It's not a ballad. Just another insipid, mechanical tune with more breaking glass. Perchance he watches David Letterman too often when he should be out chasin' women. This guy sure is sexually frustrated. What other reason could there be for all the crotch grabbing and "clean" suggestive lyrics? Maybe the breaking glass noises hint at a need to abandon the animals and lose his virginity the real way. I'm sure his life is like Disneyland on wheels or a Donald Duck cartoon from hell. Call it what you will, it's obvious MJ needs to find a woman and pronto. So far he's whined about Sex, Love and Understanding in every song. Now granted, he possesses a modicum of talent but nothing substantial results from it. Where's Quincy Jones when you need him? Someone needs to keep MJ on a short leash so he won't make a fool out of himself as he has here. This is more repetitive and mundane than an old Tangerine Dream album and certainly far less entertaining. Amazingly,"Heal the world" drops the mechanical rhythms carrying almost a jazz feel. It's an appeal for all of us to get along with each other and probably the best tune here but that isn't saying too much. An updated "We are the World," perhaps? Musically, the next cut, "Give it to Me" sounds like a slower version of "Black and White" and yes, he's still frustrated and whining. "Will you be There" is yet another plea to understand and leave him alone, replete with a fake angelic choir. I generally try to have an open mind with something new, but getting through all 13 tunes on this disc is more than any one person should have to bear. (The included booklet listed 14 tunes and seems to have been misprinted.) There's enough lame material here to keep Weird Al Yankovic in business for years to come. If this had been a CD single with 4 or 5 of the best tunes and none of the filler, Michael wouldn't look so stupid. As it stands, Dangerous, remains the blueprint for a flop. I surveyed several music stores (it's not selling) and quite a few people (they all think he sucks.) Looks like MJ isn't the golden boy he once was. Gee, ain't that too bad. (Take the hint, Mike.) Ouch. Again I digress. Perhaps he should give it up, I'm sure he has enough money by now. And any more cosmetic surgery will certainly make him unrecognizable. By that time who would care? At this point there aren't anymore tunes worth singling out to crab about. Like I said before, this should have been a CD single with just 2 or 3 tunes (a revised count after hearing them all.) and even that would be stretching it to the limit. A word of advice for Mr. Jackson, find yourself a good woman, buy yourself a hundred acre plot in the middle of nowhere and leave us the hell alone. Please. We can't take anymore of your whiny drivel. At this point I'd rather suffer through the greatest hits of, "K.C. and the Sunshine Band," while sitting naked on a frozen lake than to ever hear, Dangerous, again. (SC) © 2000 Dr. Rock'n'Roll
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