Double Dating With Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome
A person who is agonizing with CFIDS has many unique challenges to daily survival within a culture that doesn't openly accept the presence of this disease. It is considered the "invisible" illness because there are no visible signs to the observer that the sick person is suffering. The person enduring this syndrome can't be openly postulated or supported in today's society. Imagine the sense of rejection, isolation, and loss of self-esteem for all persons who live with this situation. The only consolation may be the fact that the sufferer has his companion to support and nurture him within this harsh and sometimes cruel world of chronic fatigue syndrome. However, consider a person who has the task of living with an even greater amount of odds against him or her. . . the single person who lives with this disorder.
Yes, a single person who has contracted this illness has life a little bit tougher than a sufferer who has a mate to sustain her. She has loneliness to contend with above and beyond the illness. The seclusion of leading an independent life style where the only person she has ever had to depend on is herself is satisfying but desolate. The convenience of having a mate or companion by her side to help ease the harshness and persecution of this illness is not a luxury an unmarried individual would experience. There is no special person to discuss any issues with when she is feeling so dejected from dealing with the medical community. There is no one to hold her during the night when the fears about having this illness surface. What about having someone to confide in that she can totally trust? There is no sense of security in her life any longer because of CFS and there is no one to be able to lean on for support and sustenance during these trying times. An unattached person who lives with this syndrome has to sustain more strength and heartiness than the average chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome tolerater because the only being she can rely on is now very ill. . . the independent person has now become dependent.
The harsh reality is that most single people who
clash with this disease feel totally isolated from all of society. There is a
sense of non-conformity as to where to fit in to the rest of the world. . .
even within the realm of the rest of the people who are ailing from this
syndrome. Is there a particular space or place where a single person who has
this illness can go to be with other singles who are suffering? Where can he
exist so he doesn't affect the rest of the coupled population with his solitary
competition with a debilitating illness? How many times have you heard both
healthy and non-healthy people say that they feel the world is really set up
for couples to live within-not single people? In this world, unattached
individuals are perceived as beings who are difficult to get along with and who
desire living a carefree and independent life style. He tolerates the
independence and freedom of being single until there is a point in his
For a sole person who endures CFIDS, it makes a sort of logical sense as to why the construed attitude of society's alienation affects her. Se is alone and disregarded in a way from the "couple" mentality that exists in the general population. Add into this perception the sufferer's actuality of being segregated from even the "single" members of society because she suffers with an indefinable and debilitating disease. The thought of being estranged from so many people creates an uneasy and uncomfortable suggestion that you are some sort of a mutation where you can't easily categorized into exactly where you fit into some level of society. You begin to see yourself as not worthy of living in today's culture and withdraw into not participating in life. It is much easier to not make any efforts in spreading out into the world when so little energy exists to do anything with any ways. The minimal existence within the active and outside world creates a sensation that enhances the concept of you living within your own space and time. You no longer think and feel that you are part of an environment where you are needed, wanted, or desired. . . let alone loved. The end result of society's rejection of the chronic fatigue syndrome infected you is total seclusion and isolation.
How can a single person in this situation expect to discover any meaningful relationships if you can't survive on any terms that would be acceptable to a healthy nation? It is not an easy role to execute when there is no type of support or understanding in the general public of what this disease is. There is a monumental task yet to be tackled in educating the general populace about CFS that must be accomplished. Most of the collective consciousness of the populace is that sick people are left by life's wayside. The old adage of survival of the fittest still has definite influence in society today as it has in generations past. The ill person does not seem to have the same weight of assertiveness and value in society as a healthy person does.
There are many adaptations in your life style you are required to make because of your battle with chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome. To add to this situation, you are now expected to conform to society's demands of who a single person is to be. It is no wonder that many singles who have this syndrome find it much easier to withdraw from experiencing life within these restrictive boundaries! The concept of trying to adapt and adjust to what and who other people feel or think you should be seems so inconsequential as compared to the reality of what your life is now like living with this sickness. Even if you are willing to attempt to conform to meet the silent expectations of society, the thought of how much actual energy would be required from you to reach out to other people for life enhancing communication seems insurmountable. It takes a phenomenal amount of effort to physically get the body to motivate when you are ailing. Even if you can get up enough pep to get out into the world, the inevitable next query is who to reach out to. Who could be trusted enough so that he or she will see beyond your temporary disabilities and give a relationship with you a chance? Who is capable of being a real person with honesty and sincerity perceived as cherished moral and ethical life values? There is no simple answer.
There is a phenomenal risk that you, a single sufferer, takes when you decide to extend the scope of your social circle. CFIDS creates a sensation of helplessness and lost hope from within the individual. Life's securities seem to have been ripped out from under your feet. Chronic fatigue syndrome makes you feel vulnerable in a way that you may have never experienced before. The feelings of susceptibility establish a network of weaknesses in a way. You have to now acknowledge that you have fragile spots. You have somehow become "flawed" in your confrontation with this disease. Your character is no longer as strong as it once was before you became ill. The powerful confidence that was possessed in the past is replaced with a sensation of being frail and breakable. Your self-esteem seems to quaver right along with the vibrations of your insecurities. The foregone sense of protected confidence is disturbed and unsettled. You may wonder how you can expect to have enough confidence to meet a prospect for a relationship when you aren't really sure of who you are and what you may have to offer any other person in a committed relationship now you are ailing with this ailment. It will require extraordinary inner belief to empathize with the reality that you are not the person you once were. Your inner being has been altered in more ways than you could possibly realize. What is important is that the real you-your soul and your life's essence- hasn't been changed in any way. You still are you. You are the person who you were and much more. You are evolving into being a better individual as a result of fighting this syndrome. You have become stronger, more patient, and appreciative of life itself. You detect that the inner changes you sense within yourself are positive and life enhancing transformations. You discover that you do indeed have a lot to offer another individual in an association. The previous perceptions that you may have had regarding yourself and a relationship are now outmoded. Your past observations of your own requirements seem to have clarified themselves. There may have been self-inquiries as to who you are and who you would need to have in your life to contribute to its fulfillment. The dominance of one aspect of your life over another has been drastically inverted and the importance you may have placed on a specific goal within your old perspective of what is significant in your mental or emotional life is no longer consequential. You have come to an understanding that your motivations for having an association with someone are different and altered. The desire to have a friendship may outweigh the need to have a physical encounter. These adapted and adjusted aspirations in your life can help motivate you to look at possible future relationships with renewed focus and hope. You may find yourself considering the actuality that it may be enjoyable and enlightening to get to know another person. There is so much interest and curiosity in discovering who a person is and what his likes or dislikes are. The fun of getting to know a character that you may have never encountered on your life's path before now is motivation for you to try and extend your world's encompassments. It is arduous for any human being in society to meet someone to have as a friend. The largest stumbling block is that there are various obstacles to overcome in discovering who each of you are as individuals. However, if you forego the opportunity of allowing yourself to never make an effort to try to get to know someone, you are only contributing to the isolation that society has already imposed upon you because you have CFS in your life. There are enough limitations to being ill so it makes logical sense to approach a possible friendship with a feeling of freedom. Remember that any alliances you form will never be as fatiguing and exhausting as your combat with this syndrome.
It is a difficult prospect to deciding if any relationship is worth the extraordinary amount of energy it will take from you to pursue any type of mental connection with another. You must weigh out the efforts it would take for you to extend yourself and spread your social wings. Most family or close friends may attempt to convince you to apply all of your energies and efforts into finding that special someone especially now that you are sick. These concerned individuals have listened to your constant insistences that you are independent and can care for yourself. Now, they have a justification to warrant invading into your personal affairs. Their discernment is that you are dependent because you are ill and demand someone to care for you. There is now a need for you to require someone in your life. Listen to your own thoughts and feelings because only you know how much pep and propulsion you can muster to aspire to commencing a new association in your life right now.
You may also question if it is really a friendship you desire or if you are not wanting to be alone. Loneliness may be the sole factor in why you would listen to your friends or family members and extend yourself when you aren't prepared. You may desire to have somebody with you who can be there at your convenience to talk to when you require company. You might want a person to share in your frustrations and anxieties. You may wish for a friend who can lend a hand with your chores that you can no longer do. They are very selfish ones to base a real alliance on but these reasons are valid for pursuing some kind of relationship. You must ask yourself if you desire a relationship because you can't cope with the frustrating limitations that chronic fatigue syndrome has inflicted on your life. You may sense that you spend too much time by yourself when you are able to have some awake time. Likewise, you might be tired of having no one come over to visit or even call you to see how you are doing. It is normal to feel alone, rejected, and unwanted when suffering with this syndrome. But, you must acknowledge that there is a life within these illness-imposed confines that may be savored. It is conceivably going to be different than you were used to before you became sick. You may spend more time alone now as compared to the past. Yet, in this solitary time you will learn more about who you are and what you actually require in life. You will disperse more energies and time on yourself which could be the first time in years that you actually put your own needs first. You can tell your family and friends that you have reevaluated your stance with chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome and have concluded that you wish to tackle this disease alone. It is all right to not want to be with any special person and to be alone for now. You have the prerogative as an adult to live your life the way you see fit for yourself without any approval from family or friends. Only you know how much you are capable of handling within the boundaries of living with this disease. . .listen to your own intuition.
Don't be too hard on yourself if you discover that right now is not the "right" time to extend yourself. Contending with a chronic illness is a bit overwhelming as is. It could be at this point in time the thought of expending that type of excess energy is not as important to you right now as just focusing on yourself and your own health. Your necessities in existing within a life with CFIDS will change from one day, month, or year to the next. What you needed yesterday may not be what you require today. First and foremost, it is more significant for you to value yourself and who you are as a human being. The necessary focus should be on health and happiness. You are worth caring about and must put a halt to ignoring yourself and your wants. Once you have accomplished the task of loving, accepting, and providing for your own life requirements, you will be prepared for the entrance of someone new in your life. You must be sure that the isolation and alienation that you are encountering with this ailment is not the true reason of why you are not allowing yourself to expand your horizons. Don't use this syndrome as a justification or excuse to not communicate with others. Chronic fatigue syndrome is an obstacle that you can adapt to and still have the ability to create a social life for yourself. The disease is all encompassing in the effect it has on you as a person but the result of the chronic fatigue syndrome contact is enlightening. Attempt to utilize the new perception you have of yourself to encourage others to be attracted to your new found strength and effervescence.
If you discover that you have created a way of coping with this syndrome and that you have somewhat managed to build your world in a positive direction with this affliction as part of it, you may now have gained an interest in socializing again. The initial sentiment may be that your styles of fraternizing don't really have to change now you are sick. Wrong! You will be setting yourself up for failure from the onset because you have not really accepted the syndrome's chaotic intensity in your life. All of your bodily systems have had to adapt themselves to cope with the viruses and infection. Your mind has had to "rewire" itself. Your emotions have adjusted to the illness and have tried to conform to a sense of balance. Your spirit has rejected itself and is now in a process of attempting to repair, grow, and evolve. Physically, your body has altered itself to accept the overburden of the viral infections in it. All of your organs are stressed to an intensity they have never known before. You may have an endurance level in the past to be able to stand staying out all day or night long with little or no rest nor may have not required much sustenance to eat. You may have been able to consume mass amounts of drink over the course of an evening and had been on the go moving from location to location all night long. It is time to confront the actuality in your new life with this disease that you cannot perform your life style as you previously did. Your body's immune system is in disrepair and can't retain the energy level that it once had. The all niters have now come to an abrupt end for the endurance of your confrontation with CFS. There are a few toleraters who can sustain the original social life that they had before they became ill. For the most part, the majority of sufferers are home asleep in bed very early after having an evening out. It is within your best interests for yourself to be honest about your limitations. You don't have the vigor that you used to have and deluding yourself with illusions of who you were and what you used to do for fun will only lend to bitter disappointments and constant regressions within the syndrome. Any major physical activities that require you to extend yourself in any way will contribute to your relapse and will necessitate a respite in bed for a while until your energy level can rebuild itself enough to sustain your level of normalcy again. It is within your best interest to evaluate any promised future commitments with a serious consideration of how much is it worth to you and your energy level for the next day, week, or even month.
Your efforts to perform any previously enjoyable athletic activities will be vastly inhibited. You may have loved to dance the night away, but will discover when you attempt to dance again that you can only prance around for one or two songs at a time and then have to rest for the remainder of your evening out. Your tired body is too fatigued to throw the bowling ball down the lane much more than a few times. You may not be able to stand the intensity of walking or even sitting in a chair all night long at a friend's house party. Your body may "give out" and be so weak from a short bike ride that you have to go directly home to rest. The message that results from any stressful exertion that you aren't prepared for is-rest- if you want to or not. Some of your previous enjoyable physical activities are going to have to be postponed for a while until your body gets healthier and stronger.
Your concentration level will not be as focused as it once was. It will be frustrating and devastating in a way to have such diminished mental activity if you considered yourself to have a keen mind. You may find it harder to participate in or even listen to discussions. All of the mental energy you used to expend in the participation of a normal discussion seems to no longer exist within your brain. The functioning of your mind may be a little less precise than it used to be and the speed and accuracy of retention is no longer capable of recollection. As a result of chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome affecting your mental capacity, you may discover that you have fragmented thought patterns and very little short term memory. You can't seem to concentrate long enough to absorb any pieces of another person's conversation and the frustration with your own mind's accommodated functioning results in you not feeling comfortable enough to converse with anyone about anything substantial. You tend to feel less intelligent and incapacitated as a whole individual. However, you are still proficient enough to contribute to some types of conversations where the subject is familiar to you and the depth of the discussion is minimal. It is within your propensity to control the chatting in a direction that is comfortable for you to participate within. As a result of all of the impositions that this disorder has forced upon your life, you may have a harder time believing that you are capable of actually participating in some sort of a relationship. Do not let the symptomatic effects of this disease disillusion you from seeing that you can function within a limited alliance with another person. You are a very special being who can and will contribute a lot to a union with another person. You must believe in yourself and your own strength.
Your choices for initial meaningful relationships should be some that encourage and support you within your struggle with CFIDS. It is of the utmost importance that you have people around you who will aid you and empathize with your situation. You may select someone who may already have an ongoing alliance with, such as a family member, friend, or neighbor to make your initiatory adjustment with into your altered world of chronic fatigue syndrome. She may have been a marvelous pal who you could trust and lean on for support and love. However, once this illness has entered into the boundaries of your association, you will discover that the previous attitudes and reciprocation of feelings are now going to be remodeled and remolded into a changed relationship. The adjustments you may need to make are numerous, but are essential in contributing to the continuance of the relationship. In any pending association, both persons involved perceive a sense of commitment from each other to uphold her promise to make the alliance work and be successful. The approach to how much energy and effort can be initiated from you at this point in time will have to be discussed thoroughly and understood from both points of view. Your updated affiliation may oblige a level of more honesty and vulnerability. The confrontation of how your life has been modified by being ill is an issue that should be talked about with sincerity and openness. It isn't easy nor comfortable for one on one dialogue about your feelings on the illness and her thoughts or opinions on your revelations. However, if the two of you can somehow reveal your most sincere, candid declarations and opinions, the bond of strength and commitment towards each other and the friendship will intensify. The intimacy level in your association will deepen as a result of your revealing confessions, so again it is critical that you select the right person to share any confidences.
Your transformed coalition with your old friend or family member will be a brace for you during your weakened fight with this disorder. Your "new" concerned, loving support person will be the entity who will encourage and bolster you when you need reassurance, be demonstrative with healthy criticism when you are in a self-pity mood, and attest to the hopes that you will eventually conquer chronic fatigue syndrome. He will have to possess the qualities of vigor and assertiveness to be able to demonstrate his positive strength of character. This individual must be aware of the restrictions in your relationship and be willing to accommodate his friendship style to meet those limitations. You must feel absolutely incontestable about your decision to pursue a beneficial give and take relationship with this individual. The person you select to be your companion, friend, and confidant is an important link to the strong security chain you have forged for yourself to help aid in your clash with this disease. Once you have established a foundation for the closeness to grow, you will find that your fight with CFS is a little easier to combat having someone on your side who supports you and truly cares about your health and well being. If your new-fashioned companionship with him is suitable, you should be able to depend on this person to help aid you with the practical side of you life, such as running errands for you, going to the grocery store, driving you to your doctor's appointments, walking your dog, cooking an occasional meal, cleaning your house once a week, doing your laundry, etc. It is not enjoyable to have to be subservient to someone for an indefinite time frame, but it is practical and necessary to get the tasks accomplished that have to be done. The sense of dependency that occurs as an effect of suffering with CFIDS is a temporary situation. Over time, you will have an increase and expansion in your activity level as you gain strength. But for now, you have to accept the realistic fact that you do require some help in getting your daily chores accomplished. It is very strenuous to first admit that you are dependent and then to have to ask for help without feeling as if you are imposing on your support person's life and his responsibilities. There may be times where you are going to be an imposition for the person because he may have other plans or be busy with his own life commitments. It is very important to try and have more than one individual to lean on. You don't want to overburden one individual with such a large amount of obligation. It may be laborious for you to extend yourself in having more than one coalition at a time when your energy level is so low. The pep it will take for you to reach out to more than one person will be worth the extra efforts because these people will be able to support you in a much healthier and unencumbered way. You will discover no guilt in requesting support from more than one person because you are not imposing to an uncomfortable degree in his life. With the assistance of others, he may have a stronger motivation to help you because your desire for aid is an infrequent request as compared to a constant imposition.
You have a special friend has said that she is ready and willing to help you in anything way possible. You are very apprehensive about asking for help and can't help but question if she really is sincere in offering her aid. Even if you are hesitant in requesting assistance, inquire anyway. If she is really committed to assisting you while you crave some kind of sustenance, this wonderful being won't mind the inconvenience or going out of her way to aid you. The important factor is that you and she are totally honest with your feelings about the level of commitment that is necessary to make this kind of alliance work within both of your worlds. She may find that an adjustment in scheduling or delaying a routine chore may be in order to help aid you and your requirements for relief. You should be able to depend on her for help but you should not take advantage or become a hindrance to she performing daily tasks for herself. Master and respect her rights to privacy and try to not be too intrusive. If your friend has her own family or special relationship, it makes sense that she may not be able to fulfill your requirements when you may need something or want to converse. There are times where you could have to cope without anyone's help. You have discovered ways to get by in the past, so there is no doubt that you can't help yourself when your friends are busy.
There may be the possibility that you have no genuine people who you can depend on to be there for you because you have such limited contact with any family members or neighbors. You could have just moved into a new location where you don't really know anyone or you have recently severed a tie with your companion who seemed to be your entire life. There could be many reasons why there is no one available to be there for you for support at this point in your life. If you comprehend this unfolding theme as reality for you, don't feel as if you are totally alone. You can still reach out and connect with other people who will care about you and your predicament. But, first you will have to take the initiative to seek out these individuals. There is a support group in your area for CFIDS endurers and you will need to discover the location of where the group meets. You can call any hospital, your personal physician, or even a volunteer group who deals with general informational issues. He may not have the data that you demand on hand and you should be prepared to wait for some sort of a response. However, this person may be able to provide the information about future group meetings at a later date, may forward your call to someone who operates as the leader of the group meetings, or connect you with an individual who knows more information about the group gatherings than he does. It is crucial to have some kind of support from some source as you work through chronic fatigue syndrome. Trying to cope with this alone will only lend to further isolation and withdrawal in your life style. You may be apprehensive about going to a group of strangers for personal support and encouragement. These people won't know who you really are or how you react to certain stressful situations, such as chronic illness. Yes, these statements are true, but who better than to comprehend and empathize with your condition than another being enduring the same disease? There is an understanding among sufferers who tolerate the identical illness that only they can grasp. If you allow yourself the opportunity to extend outward and meet others who endure, you may come home from a meeting with a new friend who can help you like no one else could. Your relationship may begin as just exchanging telephone numbers, sipping a cup of herbal tea after a meeting, or you may decide to invite this person into your home. Whatever results from your new connection is up to you. The important conclusion is that you have a new friend that you can share a common bond with. . . CFS. It is fantastic to have someone who you can rely on when you are having such a rough time. You will come to appreciate this person as a special being much more than you ever have before. The affinity the two of you will share can enhance your association and create a sense of closeness that most people never get to have. You may question what can your friend gain from this relationship where all the benevolence is done by him because you are ill. The individual will learn to be more compassionate and self-sacrificing. This experience will make him an improved, impassioned person who has learned what true caring really is. The special being will ascertain a stronger sense of who he is and where he fits into the grand life scheme of existence. The enlightenment that he has gained by helping another human being is life enhancing. His or her life will seem to take on new nuances of meaning. You will be able to contribute to the alliance by being the type of person who can share what is available inside of you and let that be enough for now. This concept seems almost unfair because the other person is giving so much to you right now. You must understand that there will be plenty of time in the future for you to reciprocate the caring, attention, and love that was shown to you during your dependency phase of this disease.
For the time being, you may find that these types of relationships may be sufficient in fending off your loneliness and need for companionship. However, there will be a time where you will consider that these friendships contribute to your existence by lending support and comfort, but you are intuitively discovering that you require more. . . a different level of satisfaction in your life. Your activity level has resumed a "coping" stage where you can go out in public for short time spans without regressing to complete and total bed rest. The point in time where you are having a self-awareness of what your specific needs are and that you have accomplished providing for these needs could commence the supposition that you may contemplate the possibility of getting out in the active world and trying to date again. The idea of trying to meet a possible partner is an unnerving thought because there are so many complications now that you are ill. But, it is not impossible to date while suffering with chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome.
Your situation is just a little different than the average person. To commence a possible relationship, you will be demanded to adapt your perception of potential individuals. Comprehending this statement fully means that a person who you may have considered to start an alliance with before you had this syndrome may not be who you would contemplate to be with now. The woman that you would consider to spend time with should be someone who you feel is worth the extra amount of energy and effort to get to know. You are extremely fatigued and require many rest periods to survive your daily schedule so who you consider to expend your precious energy on is a vital determination to consider. It is a major accomplishment to be able to comfortably socialize when you have this illness. You should take plenty of time in deciding on your impeding dating life. You are reminded and enlightened of how your attitudes and perceptions about life and love have been altered as a result of coping with CFIDS every time you consider who it is you may be attracted to at this point in time. The possibility that you would have taken so much time to contemplate about who you would go out with on a date may have never occurred in your pre-sickness life style. In the days before this syndrome affected your existence, you may have found yourself more attracted to a probable companion if she was physically appropriate for your particular tastes. You may have felt that she was also drawn towards you because of that same animalistic instinct of physical magnetism. The compatibility that the two of you may have shared was pleasantly compounded with the ideal that you were both enticed by each other. You may have had a strong sense of consonance and harmony in similar interests and life goals. Over time, a courtship developed. During this phase in the commencement of a more serious commitment between the two of you was when you felt comfortable enough to divulge intimate particulars about yourself. Once she demonstrated that there was trust and love in your relationship, you may have decided then to become closer. The association with this person either dissolved because of some kind of difference of life styles or attitudes about who should be what type of person in the alliance that you shared. As a result of the broken relationship, you would pick up the pieces of your bared soul and bruised emotions and reshape a new life for yourself. The end result of your lost alliance was that you had gained something- insight into another human being's perception of love. This scenario may have seemed very complicated and perplexing while it was happening to you, but now with CFIDS in your life, the past experiences will no longer be comparable to the level of adversity that you will encounter in the dating scene. You have to approach your newly fashioned life style one step at a time so you don't become submerged in the overflow of your own pent-up emotions. Your self-esteem is very fragile and the possibility of rejection may induce a premature regression into the isolation of being alone again. Be sure to permit yourself to think and feel out every emotion you may encounter in regards to dating.
Your introduction to the dating world needs to be balanced and unhurried to help you maintain a feeling of self-assurance and self-respect. The initial sensation of getting back out into the active world and dating again could be fear and dread. There have been many varied alterations in the active world since you have been ill. There are so many changes that you have endured suffering with chronic fatigue syndrome and you have very low self-appreciation because of what this syndrome has done to your physical appearance. The question of if anyone will find you physically attractive enough to even approach seems to echo in your mind. You look in the mirror and see a stranger of sorts. You can find many reasons as to why no one would want to be with you. The fear of your mind not being able to function to its utmost capacity when you may have to engage in some kind of conversation. You wonder if he will notice that you don't talk too much and may think that you are stupid. Your emotions can careen up and down for no significant purpose. What if you start to get a little upset when he makes a joking reference to CFS because you feel it hits a little too close to home? The apprehension of having to "play" the game with all diverse kinds of healthy people engenders your uneasiness about being the only unhealthy single person out in the world. The fears and dread of not being good enough because you aren't working or out in the world slaving at a career. How will he react to discovering that you are temporarily participating in a federal social program instead of working? All of your imagined shortcomings are just that. . . imagined.
First of all, confront the reality that your sentiments of fear and dread are perfectly normal for any single person-healthy or not healthy. It is part of human nature for you to revel in your own imperfections when you need an excuse not to give yourself a chance. Being fair to yourself will mean that getting back out into the active social scene will require a lot of strength from you. . . physically, mentally, and emotionally. Self-doubts need to be replaced with feelings of confidence and self-assuredness. You can allow yourself to like this new being that you have become. Why not feel good about the actuality that you are living an existence that some people could not cope with? You are someone to be proud of and a powerfully brave individual. Reevaluate who you are and what you desire in a relationship. You may descry along the way that the changes you have been forced to make in your life because of your disease have indirectly affected your choices of what is now important to your love life. In your past experiences, physical appearance may have been a priority for any inception of further initiations on your part and at this point in time you may concede that someone who is wrapped up in a pleasant physique may not possess the depth of character that you now demand. You could have modified your expectation level of what type of being you wish to associate yourself with now that the time you will spend in a social environment is so valued and limited.
Now that you have pinpointed the type of individual that you wish to meet and spend time with, the next inquiry to yourself should be where do you meet such a person. It is almost impossible to predict what location that special someone could be at when you will meet him or her unless you have a strong predictory intuition or esp. She could be found anywhere-the grocery store, taking a walk down your street, laundry, at the gym, a friend's house, etc. Nevertheless, the probability of meeting a sensitive and caring being who you now require won't be found at your old hang outs. Yet, the symptoms you have that are associated with this illness may inhibit you from entertaining past meeting places because of your adjusted sensitivity to environmental odors, the lighting may bother you, or the noise level is too intense. If you are thinking about going out to the same sites on the town, your new found climatic acuity could become a considerable restriction. You may have to make a concerted effort to avail yourself to new, life enhancing possibilities by frequenting divergent sites from which you were used to hanging around. It is important to and for you to visit places that lend support and enhancement to your new life style. The old patterns of socializing and fraternizing will only inhibit any progress that you may have made up to this point in your contention with this ailment. You should weigh out the pros and cons of subjecting yourself to any activities that may incept a self-instigated regression. Why go to a bar if your body can no longer tolerate alcohol? Why go bowling if you haven't the energy to throw the ball down the lane? Why go to a hockey game if you can't put up with the loud noise level? Why would you attempt any strenuous athletic workout sessions at the fitness club when your body is so weary? Why set yourself up to meet someone at these locales who has the preconception that you are able to perform any of these activities? Why would you endure any unnecessary discomfort just to impress a prospective date? She is not going to be the one who will suffer as a result of pushing your body to its limits and beyond. It will only cause frustration and anxiety for you in the long run to not take care of yourself and your conformed requirements now you are ill with this syndrome. You may relapse as a result of the extra expenditure of energy you don't possess and end up flat on your back in bed. No amount of self-deceit is worth the frustrating feelings and thoughts you will have if you withstand a backsliding for any amount of time. You may discern that you are also not able to have the kind of evening out that you could previously tolerate. It may be that your date doesn't consist of being out all night long dancing after having dinner and a movie. There now has to be an internal monitoring of how much energy you can muster up and how long you can stand not to rest. You will have to learn to take care of yourself and your own needs even if it is going to offend your date to take you home early. The person you select to get to know should be someone who you feel could tolerate and empathize with your battle with CFIDS. She will be obligated to exhibit signs of caring and true tactility. This situation brings up an important issue in your dating life style. . . how and when do you tell a prospective date that you have this affliction?
One of the most arduous decisions that you will have to make in dating is if you should or shouldn't disclose to your date how ill you really are. Only you can gauge the importance of what this type of a confession could do to your association. If you are on an initial date with the person, it is logical to assume that telling this individual could make or break a future encounter. He may be so offended by the disclosure that there will be no prospective contact with you, unless this person is empathetic and understanding to the effect the syndrome has on you. You may decide to keep silent about your battle with this disorder and endure any exhaustion and fatigue that you may feel while out on your first date because you believe having an evening out with interesting, new company is worth any amount of suffering. If you are out with someone who you wish to continue dating for an indefinite amount of time, the situation is slightly different. He obviously enjoys and cherishes your shared time and yearns for more. This person continually calls to ask you out and actively aspires to having some sort of relationship. There is a prominent declination that he really likes you as a individual. You may contemplate about telling him about the chronic fatigue syndrome because you are finding that hiding the fact is causing major distractions that are affecting the special time you share with this person. Out on your dates with this individual, you get tired and need to rest. When this happens, you make up an excuse for going home early instead of telling him the truth. It isn't worth it for you in your mind to disclose your illness because he won't understand or won't call you again. He gets slightly miffed because his interpretation of this reasoning is that you don't like the company. You can observe a change in his behavior immediately. The evening ends with a non-distinct peck on the cheek at the front door. You are very disappointed in the way the evening ends. He is even more disturbed and disgruntled than you are. If you know you can't handle going to places that he wants to go to, you instead make up another excuse to get back home early feeling the lesser of offending him is to create a white lie. You don't wish to hurt this person by presenting the impression that you don't like these planned activities that you had previously stated you did enjoy. You are aware of how much preparation and forethought went into his plans for the evening. It is easier and less painful to be fallacious. There is so much time and energy spent on the deceit. The viable resolution you must make in these circumstances is making the decision to disclose to this person of your unyielding confrontation with CFS. It is your judgment to make. The importance of this relationship to you is the basis for your determination of if you should unveil your combat with this syndrome or not.
If you indeed decide to tell her, the contemplation of how you tell your date about this illness is very simple. The fact of the matter is most probably that your date will have never heard of this syndrome before now. There are very few individuals who have knowledge of this illness. Most of them either have someone close to her who has the disease or have learned of someone who has had to learn to live with this disease. You will have to disclose and educate at the same time because she will most assuredly have a lot of inquiries as to what this sickness is and how it affects your life. You have an opportunity to share your own interpretation of this disease from a personal standpoint as compared to telling her to read a book about it. Try presenting any materials that you have on the disease to her and discuss the subject in length at a relaxed time when you are not planning on going out on a date. She may have some immediate logical questions such as concerns about contagion factors or if this syndrome is AIDS-like and can she get it from you. Attempt to answer all of the inquiries to the best of your capability. The clearer the issue is, the easier it will be for her to make a decision to stay involved with you or not to. It is a tedious task to have this amount of responsibility with exposing your confrontation with chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome but think of this situation as a true test of honesty. After hearing your discussion if she decides there will be no more communication between the two of you, you must respect the decision that was made. If she concludes to stay in your life, you should be very pleased and grateful. Your apparent honesty contributed to a real basis of trust in your alliance. If she resolves to not have any future dates with you, this reaction recapitulates the fact that she was not the right type of person that you require in your life right now. Try to not be offended one way or the other no matter what her decision. The choice of not wishing to be with someone who is chronically ill demonstrates a person's individual interpretation of her own inner strength. This person may perceive that she doesn't possess the intensity of spirit to support you in the way that you need to be championed. Her judgment not to be with you is not a personal attack on who you are. It is a self-assessment of her sense of commitment and sensitivity to herself and to you. Relish in this individual's estimation of virtue and fairness. In an incomprehensible way, this being has opened a window of opportunity for you. Where there is no sense of promise between the two of you, you are now free to pursue other people. One of these individuals who you would date in the future after your break off with this date could be that special person for you to share a consequential relationship. There are a slim few who may be so insecure with themselves that they will use your chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome revelation as a pretext for not going out with you again. She simply may have not enjoyed dating you and didn't have the constitution to be totally up front with you about her true feelings. It was so accommodating to be able to use your honest divulgence to back out of dating you. Perchance, this person may be so callous that it was easier to lie about why she didn't wish to see you again. She had no design in being truthful with you at any time because this individual may not be a virtuous person. It may sting a little to have someone reject you after you have opened yourself up and made yourself vulnerable but that smart is a lot easier to contend with than finding out the truth of her intentions months later. The friendship and mutual regard that you could share with the person you have decided to date can contribute to your own sense of self-worth and being.
You may ascertain that his encouragement, positive motivations, and comfort are like a cozy and safe blanket to wrap around yourself. The time that you have with this being is something that you can look forward to and regard as your special interval of personal support. You will be grateful for the enlivening inspirations of caring and exhibitions of genuine helpfulness. Over time, you may find your established friendship is developing into something more passionate and fervent. There is a committed sense of an earnest, emotional alliance between the two of you that has blossomed over time. You may have concluded to date each other exclusively. In the more serious dating scenario which includes your languishing with this sickness, there is another topic to address. Intimacy. . . the act of physical love. Your special someone may be having strong desires to become more intimate with you. You have tendencies to feel the same way towards him. However, the overwhelming fatigue you are experiencing with this syndrome is inhibiting you from having the appropriate drive and motivation to pursue these intense sentiments. It may be very arduous to contend with your own body and the way it is feeling when you have such a vehement yearning to be even closer to your significant other. The reality is that the act of making love requires a vast amount of energy of which you are lacking. Your stressed, ailing body can barely seem to function on a daily basis so the idea of gathering up the necessary pep to initiate love making is burdensome and exhausting. You may find yourself wondering if the effort it will take to get up enough energy will be worth the outcome. It is important for you to be able to make a well thought out decision on what solution is the best for you at this point in time. You may ponder delaying a sexual relationship until you feel stronger and able to keep up with your partner. Making love could be a topic that you feel has to be addressed one way or the other because it is such an important requirement factored into your personality. The issue that you should consider is the energy level that your body is at before having any fore thoughts of a sexual nature. Your concerns should be in helping yourself get well. A postponement of sexual activity is an appropriate response for you if there is any sort of hesitation from either of you to participate in an intimate encounter. This delay doesn't state there will never be a connection-you are just putting the event on hold until you feel more secure and focused about perpetrating that kind of involvement. If you have resolved to move forward with a sexual connection, the next consideration is to discuss with your cohort about your depleted energy level and how it will affect your sexual attitude and capabilities. There should be no unrealistic expectations from your partner in regards to your performance level as it could only lead to ill-natured frustrations for the both of you. Your special companion may have another disruptive element to add to your sexual setting. There may be vacillations in his enthusiasms about an intimate bonding because he is afraid that there could be a chance of catching chronic fatigue syndrome from you while being this close. It is not inconceivable that this person has been educated about other dysfunctional immune deficiency diseases and realizes that in sharing bodily fluids he could be putting himself or herself at risk to catching your viral infections. You must consider using some sort of protection as it has not yet been infallibly medically proven that the viruses that cause chronic fatigue syndrome are not passed through visceral fluid exchange. Besides, it is advisable to practice safe sex to be protected from other sexually transmittable diseases. You would not want to see another person suffer with this syndrome because of a thoughtless, irresponsible, and impetuous decision on both of your parts. Communication is indispensable in this entire situation because without it, there would be no relationship to even address. Take every action towards a sexual relationship slowly and with much deliberation because the bottom line is that your body, mind, and emotions are going to pay the price-not his. If you exhaust too much of your precious energies, you can expect regression for an indefinite amount of time until you are totally rested again. Any erroneous decision that you may make in the heat of the moment will be an expensive one. Think before you act!
There may be many other nugatory issues that you have to address as a single person afflicted with CFS. It is imperative for you to define what your individual concerns are and to confront them as soon as possible. You may discern some uncomfortable emotions along the way but it is easier to deal with topics in a straight forth manner so they do not create any extra unnecessary stresses in your life. You may find yourself accosting subjects like good hearted neighbor's constant intrusions in your life now you are alone and sick. How about you being a "sitting duck" for heated discussions of any relationship problems that your family or friends may have or unwanted, undesired people taking it upon themselves to "care" for you?
Suffering with ailment is not the seal of doom for a single person's life style. It obliges you to reevaluate your life, your goals, and your desires until you come to some sort of agreeable covenant with yourself. The prospect of your survival with this adapted living approach is very beneficial and definitely considerable. You may discover that you have no option but to consider moving into your relative's home for the duration of the worse part of your bout with chronic fatigue immune and dysfunction syndrome. Trying to go it on your own is not a good idea because you are detecting that you are too sick to take care of yourself, your chores, and your adjusted needs now you are ill. You are now dependent on someone's good nature to care for you.
Finances are another factor. With no income coming in, you are abruptly forced into contemplating giving up your space out of a sense of survival and attempting to finance the bare necessities in your life. You have no millionaire friend that you can ask to borrow funds from that has an unending supply of cash to earmark specifically to care for your demands. There is no magic lamp to rub that can make all of your health related problems disappear. The only viable choice is to consider moving back to your parent's house. The actuality that you have to "go back home" may seem a bit disheartening. In your late teens, you probably mentally schemed and fantasized about how it would feel to be on your own and not have to account to anyone for your actions or your whereabouts at any time. Now you have become a responsible adult, it seems like a cruel joke that you are being forced into giving up your freedom to go back to the situation that you waited so long to leave. Yet, you comprehend that you need some temporary help in living with this syndrome. The key determinant in how you can live with this alternative is your own attitude. If you are rebellious and defiant about having to resort to asking for help, you are only hurting yourself. It doesn't matter to your parents one way or the other if you are more miserable than normal. They can always say that you can't move back home until you change your attitude. You are then trapped because you will have no where to go at all. You only cause yourself pain with this decision. If you can approach the situation as a temporary contingency and accept the reality that you do need a helping hand, you and your family will have an easier and more tolerable time in adjusting to the set of circumstances that you will all have to live with being under one roof. Be sure to discuss this alternative with your parents. Don't infer that you do not have to ask them and that they should just let you move back into their house. You should not assume that your parents will automatically open their arms (and doors) to the idea of you wanting to return home. They may have gotten use to being alone now that they have had some well deserved privacy after raising you all those years. However, out of their love for you as their child, they may forego their own life style to again help you. You should be very grateful to have parents that do partially understand what a burden this disease is to your life and love you enough to care. Lots of parents have the attitude that once you are out in the world, you are on your own no matter what you have to contend with for circumstances. Nevertheless, parents will be parents and it won't take long for the old life roles to resurface. You will find yourself treated as if you are still the same child that you were when you lived at home. It isn't your parent's fault that they want to spoil you and dote over you. The parental instincts that they once had are now reborn with this new opportunity to care for you. Older parents don't usually have a lot going on in their lives so the idea of you moving back home creates a focus to their lives again.
You must be sure to define your wishes to be treated as an adult by showing through example that you respect them as much as you want them to respect you and your life. You will only be perceived as an adult if you act like one. If you soak up all of the excess attention and coddling as a child would, they will see you as a needy and sick young one. But, if you act responsibly and are accountable for your own actions and words, they will mirror and reflect back the same to you. There will be opportunities where you will need to remind them that you are no longer a child and can take on some responsibility instead of getting a free ride through life from them. Be sure to express your sentiments in a relaxed and non-stressful tone so you don't upset yourself or them in the process of trying to talk about your feelings because their love for you is very fragile. They need to feel that your love for them exhibits kindness, gentleness, and thoughtfulness. An initial conversation discussing why you have decided to ask them to move home is important. Your parents should be very clear on what your bout with CFS is all about from your perspective and not theirs. You have to candidly talk about the disease and how it is affecting you and your performance in your altered life style. Make it crystal clear that you are moving home for this reason and this reason only. You require some assistance in getting through this difficult time and that you plan on getting back out on your own as soon as possible. You should emphasize the fact that you don't want to intrude on their lives any longer than you have to as a result of being ill. They need to have some reassurance for themselves that they will eventually have their privacy back sometime in the future. This declaration also reinforces the reality that once you are capable of living on your own again you will be gone and it leaves no space for having them hold onto some belief that you are home forever and will never leave them alone again.
Another issue in moving home is to deliberate about your finances. They need to be aware of what a financial skirmish you are now in and that you have limited money to pay for your own expenses. You should not expect that they will compensate any of your expenditures. They will probably have enough of their own money problems to deal with since most older parents are on fixed incomes. If you do have some income and can afford to help out with some of the household expenses, you should offer. Your parents aren't going to come out and ask you to pay a partial payment for your share of the grocery, water, electric, or telephone bills. Pride and the old obligations of properly caring for their child will surface, so this issue will, in all probability, never be directly confronted and dealt with properly. You should acknowledge that they are being generous enough to let you move home and the least you can do is help out when you can financially. If they refuse to let you pay any payments towards the mortgage or household bills, you could offer to subsidize groceries, medical prescriptions (which are very expensive for older people), an appliance or necessary car repair. You could be observant to what your parents may not verbalize, but do require financial help with for the entire household's sake. If they still refuse to let you help pay for anything, you could consider treating them on a regular basis to events that they wouldn't normally be able to afford such as going out to eat, to the movies, or to a play. You should have some sense of responsibility in fiscally helping out the household. If necessary, you should remind your parents that they are providing health care services to you in taking care of you and that you may have had to hire someone to help you if you were still out on your own. You could use this justification as a basis for offering some financial help to them if no other recourse seems to work.
There also needs to be a distinct understanding about your responsibilities around the home. You should be sure to designate what your limitations are in regards to helping out in and around the house. All of you will need to agree on a temporary chore list to designate who will be responsible for what task, what the priority is to doing that chore, and the time frame that the job should be done by. You don't want to see your mother spending all of her free time washing and ironing your laundry while you aren't able to help her out at all. What about your father keeping your car in tip top shape for you while you aren't able to drive it? You may feel that it is an intrusion enough to their household that you are there in the first place so seeing that they are doing your chores on top of their own can make you feel that you are leeching off of their good natures. Come up with some alternatives to do that will make you feel as if you are contributing something to the upkeep of the household. You may not be able to get out of bed to do your own laundry right now, but you can make a grocery list for your parent to follow when he or she goes to shop. If you father is busy doing some outside work, you may feel well enough to do some menial inside chores for him even though it could take you a week to complete all of them. There could be an assumed problem with your elderly parents needing a lot of things repaired and/or replaced around the house. They may assume that since you are now there that you can do all of the labor that is required since he or she isn't capable of heavy lifting or doing any very strenuous project any longer. You have to be clear on what you can and cannot do now that you are ill. A balance of cooperation and mutual respect will go a long ways in creating a cordial, livable atmosphere for all.
The topic of privacy should also be discussed before or on the day that you move into your parent's home. You are used to having your own space and doing what you want when you want to and the same goes for your parents. Now you are both being expected to give up some of your confidential and private time and room to share with someone else. It may be difficult to acknowledge that your parents have a life that has progressed forward since you have moved out and that they may not be too pleased about sharing every aspect of their entire life style with you even though you are their child. You may not be too pleased at the idea of giving up your total freedom and privacy. Again, the solution to this issue is one of mutual respect. If someone is in his or her room with the door shut, the other person should regard this as a sign that this individual does want some time to himself or herself. There could be an understanding that if someone in the house requires some quiet, personal time that he or she can just communicate this desire to the other household members without the connotation that he or she has offended the others in any way by wanting to be alone. Telephone calls and visitors oblige the same type of cognition where everyone is concerned. If someone is coming to visit you, it may not mean that this person wishes to go through an abbreviated visit with your parents every time he or she comes over. The situation could be vice versa where your parents' friends may not be comfortable having conversations with your parents in front of you. You should politely excuse yourself from the room which can acknowledge your respect for your parents and their callers. The three of you should talk about the particulars of what you require for alone time and space and how all of you can work together to accommodate everyone's needs for privacy. A more sensitive issue interrelated to the privacy topic is what do you do about your sex life while you are staying with your parents. For the most part, you may not have the desire to want to have any active sexual involvements as you will be too fatigued to do anything but rest and sleep. However with time, you may regain your strength enough to reconsider becoming intimate with your special someone. What do you do about this situation? First of all, you should ask your parent's permission if you can have someone spend the night. It is their home and they have the right to refuse anyone permission in staying under their roof. Secondly, they may not be comfortable with knowing that their son or daughter is having sex in his or her room in their house. You should respect their hesitations and discomfiture about this situation. They can't help but see you as the child that they brought up even though you now have adult needs to satisfy. Try talking this set of circumstances out with them if the situation becomes unbearable. If you can tolerate leaving the house for a while, go to your significant other's home to be intimate. If you can't, you will just have to consider the actualities of your predicament and hold off on your sex life until you are back out on your own.
There are many pros and cons to moving back home with your parents when you become weakened while fighting this affliction. Depending on what specific circumstances you find yourself at the time will determine if moving back home is the right thing for you to do. As a result of combating chronic fatigue immune dysfunction syndrome, you will encourage a healthier advancement in your own life by surrounding yourself with people who you truly love and care about you, not the superfluous, superficial people that claimed they were your friends when you were healthy. You will learn to listen to your body, its requirements and demands for subsistence, and will not abuse your delicate, mending being. There will be a renewed sense of spirit and adventure that appears from your enhanced appreciation of life and all it has to offer. Taking a walk or sitting on a park bench may not be as boring and dull as you once thought. The beauty of nature is sometimes going to be enough company for you to have when you wish to be alone and who knows who you could happen to meet walking in the park one day?You will feel no more self-pity or low self-esteem because you realize that you are an important, precious, and cherished CFS suffering individual who deserves to be loved just as much as any person does. Your dating life will consist of spending valuable time with people that you really foresee as possible friends-not wasted energy on a hypocritical rendezvous loaded with physical and/or sexual innuendoes.
You have grown and elucidated into a wonderful person who has many reasons to live life to the fullest with this disorder as a part of this inspirited existence. You will never be alone in your battle with this disease even if there is no special person in your life. Let faith and hope be your guides. Learning to love yourself as you are now is the most important lesson in your "education" in existing as an ill single person. After self-love is accomplished, you will discover that there is plenty of room left for someone else to love and care about you and you to care and love him or her. Give yourself the chance!